Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
