im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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