I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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