whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I still have a little drunk in my system
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
