The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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