Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
