i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
