We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
foreskin is a definite game changer
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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