Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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