i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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