Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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