She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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