it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
