You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
