I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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