I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize