I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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