i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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