I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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