this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
