piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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