I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
