The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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