one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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