Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
