I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
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