Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
