if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
