I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You may now shotgun with the bride
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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