stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
