So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
