you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
