fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
