apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
