im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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