You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
