my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
