Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and she was petting her beer can
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
