I wish I could teleport
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
