thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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