honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
