based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
