She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
