i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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