I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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