How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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