i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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