Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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