Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
