We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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