the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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