I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
