so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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