he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
