In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
