I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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