after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
