I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
