walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
