How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
